Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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