the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
