she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
