I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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