Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
