If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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