I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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