Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
