Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
