elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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