She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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