That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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