I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
