Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
