Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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