I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
