I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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