why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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