I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
