Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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