fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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