what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
not ubering you a puppy
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize