Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
