Capitaan dildo arrescate!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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