I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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