It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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