I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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