i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
