I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
