I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize