My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
