I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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