they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Randomize