I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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