Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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