I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Randomize
