omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
