Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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