I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
