I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
