Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
