Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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