I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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