Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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