I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
