Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
