Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
