I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
