We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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