i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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