So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
