maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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