Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
