6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
