Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
