Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
