i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Pants are for mortals
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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