He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just want nice things and good sex
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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